The Wild Plan A Holiday Party: Chaos Edition

Everyone knows that the Minnesota Wild WAGs are the ones doing all of the planning for their parties. But what if one year, they throw up their hands and make the players plan their own holiday party?

Here’s how it would probably go.

As the captain, Jared Spurgeon would be the one to spearhead the planning of the party. He values a locker room where everyone can contribute, so he plans the party the same way and hands out duties to almost everyone.

Alex Goligoski, a Minnesota boy who went to college in the Twin Cities, knows all of the best places to go. Rumor has it that he also occasionally likes to have a late night out. He is in charge of finding the venue of the party.

Lovingly referred to as Mama Moose by some fans, Marcus Foligno is responsible for food and catering. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But instead of professional catering, Moose turned to something a little different. He shows up with a bunch of frozen appetizers and 100 bottles of wine, all purchased from the local Costco.

Brandon Duhaime hears that Spurge is handing out jobs, and instead of waiting, he demands to be put in charge of the white elephant gift exchange. He is under the impression that all of the presents will be elephant-related and is very sad when the exchange happens, and he finds out that the only elephant-related gift is the one he brought.

Things get a bit contentious when it comes to who will play Santa Claus. No one wants to make a final decision, so Marc-Andre Fleury, Pat Maroon, and Zach Bogosian all show up in Santa costumes. It instantly turns into a playful fight, but then gets more intense until Fleury wiles his way out and leaves Santa Maroon and Santa Bogo their aggressive wrestling.

Kirill Kaprizov pretends he doesn’t understand English anytime Spurgeon tries to bring up the party with him. That way, he doesn’t have to do anything and still gets to attend the party. Win-win.

Mats Zuccarello is another player who approaches Spurgeon with a job first. He tells Spurge that he will be the “Dance Master.” It’s similar to Kaprizov’s strategy, except Zuccy gets to run the dance floor for the night.

Spurgeon doesn't give Marco Rossi a job, but he doesn’t want to be a bother. He brings a liter of sparkling water to contribute because he doesn’t drink alcohol. It’s very welcomed alongside the overabundance of wine.

Wanting to one-up his Halloween costume, Ryan Hartman once again springs for a professional makeup artist. He spends the entire day becoming the Grinch. His costume overshadows all of the Santa costumes.

Joel Eriksson Ek and Jonas Brodin are too nice for their own good, so when Spurgeon asks them to decorate, they’re stuck with it. They buy a pack of balloons and three rolls of streamers. When they arrive at the venue, they blow up all the balloons with breath so they don’t float. Spurgeon tries not to be too disappointed. 

Spurgeon gives Filip Gustavsson the job of making invitations, and he's delighted. He writes them as a riddle and in a code he made up himself. Everyone has to secretly text Goose to figure out the address where they’re supposed to go. No one tells Gus they have to do this because he’s just so darn pleased with himself.

Connor Dewar was charged with arranging entertainment. He gets a karaoke machine and hires Mason Shaw to sing for an hour.

Freddy Gaudreau decides to go all out and makes a Buche de Noel. It takes him ten hours and doesn’t look anything like a Yule log, but it is delicious.

Jake Middleton was told to find funny accessories for a photo booth. He forgets until he’s on the way to the party, so he swings by a Burger King. He uses his charm to take 50 of their paper crowns to the party. Everyone wears them happily except the Wild's social media manager, who's ticked off because every picture looks like Burger King sponsored it. 

Brock Faber is super excited about the party because he’s super excited about life in general. Unfortunately, Spurgeon runs out of jobs before he gets to Faber, so he has to make up a job for him. Faber becomes the Official Party Greeter. He makes himself a sash to wear while he greets everyone. 

Matt Boldy, Jon Merrill, and Marcus Johansson do absolutely nothing to contribute, but they attend the party. Everyone else pretends like they don’t notice the lack of contribution.

Overall, the party was a fun time, but definitely not to the level that the WAGs normally plan. Everyone enjoyed themselves except Maroon, who was sore that he lost the Santa Wrestling Match, and Duhaime, who had to go home with a gift that didn’t feature an elephant. The elephant gift ended up with Hartman, who absolutely refused to hand it over to the pouting Duhaime. 

Happy Holidays, Hockey Wilderness Readers!