Zach Parise out with broken sternum, because why the hell not?

Good news for Wild fans who had been waiting *checks notes* almost two whole days without getting new injury news: According to the Minnesota Wild, Zach Parise will miss tonight’s game (and the next 4-6 weeks) after suffering a broken sternum Sunday Night.

It’s apparently not enough that Minnesota will be missing Luke Kunin (torn ACL) and Ryan Suter (leg broken in two places). It’s also not enough that Minnesota is dealing with lingering injuries to Jared Spurgeon (hamstring), Nino Niederreiter (fibula), and Matt Dumba (undisclosed).

Nope. The Wild flew too close to the sun by winning Game 3 at home, so the hockey gods had to cut Zach Parise down, too.

Parise had been enjoying a renaissance as of late, scoring 12 goals in his final 18 regular season games, then leading the Wild in the postseason with 3 goals in 3 games. Parise has also been one of the few players on this roster to have produced consistently in the postseason, scoring 14 goals and 31 points in 36 games. To boot, he’s often regarded as the heart and soul of his team with his exemplary effort.

The Wild have suffered yet another blow to their hopes of lifting a Stanley Cup. In all honesty, with Minnesota so depleted, it’ll be a herculean feat for them to make it to Sunday’s Game 6. Which is probably just as well, because we’re due to see a clavicle injury any day now. I suspect if the team gets to Round 2, someone will snap cleanly in half.

Everything sucks. We’ll all die alone. Eat at Arby’s. Enjoy Game 4.