Zach Parise Files: Kurtis Foster Says Nice Things About Minnesota

Yesterday Mr. Mike Russo took KFAN over by force, using M-1 Abrams tanks and other assorted military devices to storm the radio station and force them to talk hockey for three hours at mid-day. Yeah... OK, Russo was invited to cover the Common Man Dan Cole's spot on KFAN, and Russo was artful in his ability to fill the three hour session with nothing but hockey talk.

It was nothing short of magnificent.

To read what he said, and what it means... make the jump.

The Interview

Once again, you really should go listen to the interview. Good stuff from beginning to end. If you're just plain lazy and want the juicy parts, here we go.

When Russo asked Foster to talk about what kind of star Parise is, Foster had this to say:

A few standard "he works hard"s, sprinkle in some "first on, last off"s, and you have yourselves a pretty generic answer. Right up until he mentions that Adam Oates calls Parise a "Jacques Lemaire disciple." Now you have my attention, Mr. Foster. Never takes a split second off, you say? Not very vocal, but the way he plays keeps you in line you say?

Noted.

Russo then asked if Foster thought it was a "guarantee" that Parise would leave New Jersey, even with a Cup, due to off-ice issues. To which Fozzie replied:

Parise enjoys New Jersey, you say? But his wife is from here, you say? And he bought a house here, you say? You can't say enough good things about Minnesota, you say?

It will, indeed, be interesting to see what Parise does this summer. Do all of the signs point to him inking a deal at the one minute mark of free agency with the Wild? I still have some pretty strong doubts, to be honest. Still, it is good to know that Foster wouldn't tell him not to sign here. Some WIld fans have a complex that free agents are bad mouthing Minnesota, and that's why no one will sign here.

As if the eleven years of mediocrity have nothing to do with it.

Next, Russo pointed out that many Wild fans... OK, almost all Wild fans will likely need to be talked off the ledge should Parise not sign here. (My words, not Russo's.) Russo asked where Foster thought the Wild might go next.

Young talent, you say? Good drafting you say? Coyle kid, you say?

All of this is well and good, Mr. Foster, but WHY WOULD ZACH NOT SIGN HERE? Were you lying in the previous quote? Not the end of the world? You called Zach and told him not to come here didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!?!? Wait... did you say "they decide to go?" They? Both of them?

What it Means

Doth thine tin foil hats, Wilderness.

Clearly, what all this means is that Kurtis Foster has been in contact with Zach Parise, and has been issuing subliminal messaging to him to sign in Minnesota. All fo this, due to Chuck Fletcher telling Foster that if Foster can facilitate the signing of Parise in Minnesota, Fletcher will also re-sign Foster. Genius, my friends. Genius. It's the ultimate in performance bonuses.

Notice that Foster didn't mention Parise signing in Detroit or New York? Or Nashville.

Honestly, the real value of the interview is the positive things Foster had to say about Parise. As we near the end of the Cup chase, and inch closer to free agency, we are going to hear all kinds of fun things. Parise is a God among men. Parise is a joke that stats say is washed up. Parise is past his prime at 28. Parise healed a sick man, just by touching the man's head.

Somewhere in between, as always, will be the truth. Though, the Lemaire disciple line was impressive, and the knowledge that Parise is a fitness freak bodes well for fans tired of watching players get hurt. If you are going to take anything away from all of this, let it be that Parise is in great shape, works his tail off, and even those who know him personally don't have a freaking clue where he is going.

Though, I can all but guarantee it won't be Nashville. Come on, Tom.