What if NHL Contracts Were Based On Attributes Other Than Skill?

Minnesota Wild fans can finally rejoice and revel in the amazing contracts the team signed this week and put a few not-so-great contracts of the past to rest. Let’s all exhale our collective “will he sign or won’t he” anxiety and get a little silly with it.

Remember when you were a kid and someone would ask a ‘what if’ question that was so ridiculous? As adults, it can be hard to flex our imagination, but we’re going to give it a try today. What if NHL contracts were based on something other than skill, and what would that look like for the Wild?

Here are a few of the weirdest I could come up with.

Short Kings Get Paid

So many people have a big problem with what they deem a “size problem” with the Wild. Yes, there are undersized players. What if the Wild paid them more to make up for the ribbing they constantly take from fans and commentators alike?

Going by their listed heights, Jared Spurgeon and Marco Rossi, at 5-foot-9, and currently injured Mats Zuccarello, at 5-foot-8, would be hitting the jackpot. Paying players by height wouldn’t even disadvantage our Russian superstar, who is listed at 5-foot-10; it would just put him down the contract list a little bit.

(Side note, Zuccarello needs to figure out why Google hates him. If you look up his height, the info box at the top puts him at 5-foot-7.)

Players With the Good Hair

Now that the NHL is starting to operate in a post-dress code era, players should be compensated for looking good. We don’t have enough data to figure out who will actually put their sense of style to work in the pregame walk-ins, but we do have one very specific area to judge by: hair.

Hockey players are well known for developing noticeable hair loss as they age. Something about wearing that specific type of helmet, combined with what is probably a terrible hair care routine, results in some unfortunate hairstyles.

But every once in a while, a player manages to sidestep the hockey hair curse and come through their career with a luxurious flow. Marcus Foligno deserves all of the contract money for his hair. In both the fluffy walk-in style and the slick back he rocks for warmies, he manages to look like a male model. 

The only downside to this would be the rift that this would cause between Marcus and his brother Nick. Sorry in advance to Chicago’s captain.

Legible Signatures

Last week, I attended the Rinkside Rally and collected signatures from four different players. I’ve gotten a few others before, and it’s always a crapshoot about the quality of the signature. Basing a contract on a signature would be challenging because there are several different criteria to consider.

How legible is the signature? If you showed me, would I know right away who it was, given my knowledge of the lineup? Could I figure it out if I were given a roster alongside it? Does it resemble the player’s actual name in any way? Zeev Buium’s signature would absolutely fail this test because, without the No. 8 next to it, it looks like scribbles. (Sorry, Buium, but thank you for complimenting my hat!)

How cool is the signature? Zach Bogosian’s signature might not look like his name, but the Z at the beginning is a statement that would earn him a little more. On the same wavelength, Nico Sturm’s signature is incredible. Somehow both legible and illegible, yet awesome-looking all the same. Based on that, he’d make the most money according to my rubric.

Bonus Money Based On Vibes

Some of the best moments in hockey are the unexpected ones. Imagine if Filip Gustavsson received a bonus for this goalie goal last year.

Or what if Marc-Andre Fleury had been able to get a sly bonus on the side for attempting to fight Jordan Binnington a few years ago? Kirill Kaprizov could’ve received a friendship bonus for helping collect Joel Eriksson Ek’s teeth off the ice that one time.

Looking outside of the Wild, I personally would’ve awarded money to William Nylander for not being able to keep it together during the electric guitar version of the National Anthem and to Sebastian Aho for mocking Brandon Hagel so hard that Hagel couldn’t keep it together. 

Other Creative Ideas That Require More Information

There isn’t enough information to actually rank players for these ideas, but what if each player had to perform a 30-second dance on which his contract was based? Or perhaps a general talent show where the contract would be based on the uniqueness of the act and its execution? Sudden death dodgeball game? How long a player lasts at Mall of America before leaving?

The possibilities are endless! And thankfully for Wild fans, we don't have to worry about the actual contracts for a little while now.