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Hockey Wilderness
  • The Stand Up Goalie: The Swoon Who Stole Christmas

    Ben Remington

    The Stand Up Goalie

    Everyone down in Whyville liked hockey and the holidays, a lot.

    But there was a Swoon flying into town, who gave a care not!

    Unfortunately, the Swoon was a tradition, for quite a long while,

    It came almost every season, to steal everyone's Why-smile.

    But this Swoon was different, it came during the holiday season!

    It came without warning, without excuses, without reason!

    He even dressed like Santa! The Nerve! That jerk!

    His disdain for happiness had driven him berserk!

    The Swoon flew in quickly, ruining the holiday cheer,

    With fears the goal-scoring defenseman may be lost for the year.

    The Swoon wanted to ensure the team would again miss the Cup,

    He snuck into Why-Arena, and proceeded messing things up!

    First he sabotaged the goaltending, and the rest followed suit,

    Then he hit the forwards, who forgot how to shoot!

    The team wasn't quite in shambles, they could still play well,

    However they always found themselves behind at the closing bell.

    The Swoon stole everyone in Whyville's inflated hope and dreams,

    That dastardly Swoon even stole Prince's melodious screams!

    He took all the breakouts, and stuffed them in his sack,

    He stole power play scoring, and would not give it back!

    The Swoon drained the talent, took all Whyville was adoring,

    He left the team with only the kids from Boston scoring!

    The Captain wasn't sure if he could help rid of this crook,

    Because some goon from Calgary had pulled a Matt Cooke!

    The Swoon played the team's goal song, laughed and called it dumb!

    He took the coach's legacy, and used it to wipe his bum!

    And the new general manager, who'd never seen a Swoon,

    Sat frozen in horror, without even changing his Why-tune!

    The Whyville faithful all watched, teary-eyed and sad,

    Some even called a radio station to pretend they were mad!

    The Swoon gave Whyville all sorts of bad ideas to be craving,

    But only the imprisoned savior from Russia could do the saving.

    The malicious force had turned Whyville quite cold,

    And all the Why-people decided Swoons were getting Why-old.

    Somebody in Whyville cried "Whatever can we do?"

    "NOTHING!" The Swoon replied with a snarl "No wins for you!"

    He bellowed "This team will not win again, as sure as my name is Chuck!"

    "You might want the playoffs, but I don't give a...care!"

    Some people of Whyville lamented their season destroyed by hate,

    But actually were more worried about their football team's fate.

    The Swoon stole Christmas, of that there is no doubt,

    But Swoons don't last forever, so there's no reason to pout.

    The people of Whyville knew the villain would leave town soon,

    And then they could go back to hockey without a Swoon.

    Although the team fell in the standings, and the damage had been done,

    Maybe someday the fans could go back to having fun.

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