The Only Lockout Update You Will Need

Situations like the NHL lockout are prone to exaggeration and hyperbole. This is almost as important as nuclear war, people. The lockout has also led to wild swings on emotion from fans and writers, like we are, as a collective, some sort of bipolar grizzly bear. When we are happy, we are just oh so cute and swim in our little pool. But look out if you piss us off, because we are going to eat your head and crap it out on the lawn.

The final, and seemingly most painful, occurrence the lockout brings us the near constant updates on what is going on with the lockout.

If a player sends out a tweet, national outlets, fan sites, radio stations, newspapers, and TV channels are rushing to write up their story so as to not miss out. An agent pops off, there's another flurry. If someone actually involved in the negotiations says something, you may as well just halt production of any kind, because fans and media are going to DEFCON 4.

If you'll notice, however, no one is saying anything new. The NHL and NHLPA still hate each other. The leaders of both groups are hated and despised by the same people who hated and despised them last week, and the week before.

Personally, I am more willing to move to the arctic circle in Norway to avoid another droll lockout update than to avoid another political ad. Yes... it's that bad.

I decided to take it upon myself to create a template for you. Should you need a lockout update, simply fill in the blanks and circle where appropriate. No more need to live and die with every tweet and wonder which beat writer might break the news that Uncle Fester dropped a royal deuce this morning.

Please, enjoy.

Today, a spokesman for the (NHL/NHLPA) said something. This news ushers in (ecstasy beyond your wildest beliefs / horrendous despair likened only to the depths of the seventh ring of hell) for fans, as there will be (a full 82 game / no) season. After speaking with the press, the spokesperson (rode off on a unicorn / ate a puppy alive), while stating that fans could expect (oral sex upon entering arenas / to have their own fecal matter shoved down their throats).

With this (stunning / completely predictable) news, the (NHL/NHLPA) has (earned the undying love of / completely pissed off) the entire NHL fan base. Expect (players to suit up by Monday / your significant other to leave you) due to this news. Season ticket holders should expect to (get shit on / get shit on), and fans should expect ticket prices to (rise / rise) in the coming seasons.

An anonymous NHL executive told (fill in media outlet here) that the owners (were ready to get back to work / happy to continue ruining the game). In response, and unnamed player said (we just want to play hockey / give me my 20 cents you prick). Agents representing players from across the league were seen on Twitter (giddy with the idea of commission checks starting up again / angry that they still had to dig in the couch cushions to pay their alimony).

Meanwhile, we have conducted a non-scientific poll of fans, and we now know that (95% of people who say they won't return have already lined up at the door / 95% of fans say they will not return).

Seventy-five new poorly made YouTube videos were made to (celebrate / protest) this new information.

Commissioner Gary Bettman answered questions for media after the announcement, saying, ("I am the true troll king, bow before me" / "I shall soon regain my crown as the true troll king").

Stay tuned to (fill in media outlet here) for more breaking news as it happens.