The Hockey Wilderness Awards

Welcome, one and all, to the greatest day in all of sports. There are far too many award shows now, from the Emmys to the ESPYs, and yet none of them award anything close to the awards fans actually want to give out. Everyone always wants to focus on the positives in life. Giving everyone who played a trophy isn't going to create winners, now is it?

We here at Hockey Wilderness decided a few years back to give out the awards everyone else was too afraid to put on prime time TV. No, Dion Sanders is not getting an award, but we will be giving out some hardware to folks who normally wouldn't get an invitation to Las Vegas if they offered to take take Jim Balsillie for a... vacation.

Since we don't have the budget to hire a big name star to host the ceremony, we did what the NHL does, and we booked Jay Mohr.

After the jump, the awards, as chosen by our crack staff of writers.

The Boy Named Sue award (Best season by a player with a girl's name)

JS: Marian Gaborik. 41 goals in (surprisingly) 82 games. Sigh.

Jesse: Sidney "Cindy" Crosby. A little bit of a stretch, I'll agree, but his return is necessary for the NHL to move forward. I'm not necessarily a fan of the guy, but he's a superstar name in a big market that the NHL can market. Fans love superstars, and Crosby is about as big as they get.

The Stan Neckar and Kārlis Skrastiņš memorial award (Most unpronounceable name)

Nathan: It's still Dustin Byfuglien. Sure, he's playing just 116 miles from where he grew up, but I'm guessing that even the best fans in the world don't get Byfuglien's name right all the time.

They play hockey where? (Best season by a player from a non-traditional market)

Bryan: This has to be Stamkos. 60 goals? 60? No one on the Wild even had 60 points. This kid is ridiculous.

JS: Steven Stamkos. No-brainer. 60 goals.

Jesse: Stamkos is the obvious answer, but I'm going to throw Zucker out there as well. First Nevada-born NHL player is a big deal.

The Todd Fedoruk's original cheekbone memorial award (Guy who took the biggest ass-whooping of the year)

Jesse: Taylor Hall getting stepped on by his own teammate was pretty brutal.

The Tore Vikingstad award (Name which most strikes fear into the hearts of men)

JS: I'd have to say Zdeno Chara. I would hate to have to block his one-timers. I'd also be scared shitless if I pissed him off in any way.

Jesse: Homer Award #1 = Matt Kassian. Only one moron wanted to fight this guy, and he got beat down twice.

The Dikembe Mutumbo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo award (Best shot-blocker)

The Summer's Eve award (Biggest douche-bag in the NHL)

Bryan: Derek Zona.

Jesse: Maxim Lapierre and his finger-munching ways.

The Donatello, Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael award (Biggest turtle)

Nathan: Darcy Hordichuk. Turtling against Brad Staubitz? Twice? In one game? Douchewagon.

Bryan: Darcy Hordichuk. Who the hell waits to fight Brad Staubitz for ten years then runs from him?

JS: Darcy Hordichuk by a country mile.

Jesse: Darcy Hordichuk. Not even close.

The Better Luck Next Time award (the player with the worst season of the year)

Bryan: Scott Gomez. Hands down. How the Habs didn't send him to the AHL and bury that contract is beyond me.

Jesse: Scott Gomez. 2 goals and 11 points from a guy making $7.357 million has to be a kick in the taint to Montreal. Suckers...

The Martin Skoula award (Biggest mistake by a team or player)

Nathan: The Habs relationship with Pierre Gauthier

The Crash Test Dummies award (biggest injury of the year)

Nathan: Pierre-Marc Bouchard. The prime example of headshots, lack of "player safety" and the potential for a cheap shot to end a career thanks to concussions.

Bryan: It should be Sidney Crosby. This should have been the wake up call the NHL needed. Instead, they say they don't have an issue. However, my award goes to Brenden Shanahan and the Department of Player Safety Jokes. Never before have I seen the public relations of a company injured in such a way as Shanahan did this season. Nothing to see here, folks.

JS: This goes to the entire Wild team. 47 different players. That's two full teams. Crazy.

Jesse: See above.

The Optimus Prime award (Biggest transformation by a player)

JS: Matt Cooke would be an easy choice, but I'm not ready to tolerate him yet, so I'd say Dany Heatley for his transformation from big-time sniper into a decent two-way player.

Jesse: Well, since THE Prime is basically thebomb.com, I'll vote for Optimus Prime...oh, I can't?....

The Icarus award (Great start, horrible finish)

Nathan: The Wild. No doubt.

Bryan: Never fly too close to the sun, folks. The regression up there is horrible. The award goes to the Wild, of course.

JS: Of course, the team award would go to the Wild, but the player that I would award this to would probably be Marc-André Bergeron. After starting the season out with 16 points in the first 15 games, he got 8 points in the next 27 games and then he missed 39 of the last 40 games due to injury.

Jesse: The Minnesota Wild. Sigh...

The Coach Bombay award (Horrible start, great finish)

Bryan: Even with their collapse eminent, the Blues never should have been where the are. Ken Hitchcock should be running the US economy.

JS: The team award would go to the Blues. Amazing season by them. The player award would go to Tyler Ennis. He had 5 points in 15 games before suffering an injury. He finished the season with 29 points in 33 games.

Jesse: St. Louis Blues. Hands down.

The ''This isn't what I ordered'' award (Biggest dud off-season/trade-deadline acquisition)

JS: Ville Leino. Yuck.

The ''Ooh! A piece of candy!'' award (Most pleasant surprise)

Nathan: Mike Smith. Wow.

Bryan: Vancouver losing in the first round. Their fans are great (except the really d-bag ones). I still can't stand that team.

The Nelson Muntz award (Best HA HA! moment)

Nathan: Thank You Los Angeles!

Bryan: Pierre McGuire. Enough said.

Jesse: Devin Setoguchi falling flat on his ass in the shootout. Painful for a Wild fan, but hilarious to the rest of the NHL