New Year's Resolutions For Each Wild Player

With a new year approaching, the Minnesota Wild should set a few resolutions. Of course the goal every year is to win a Stanley Cup. But what about smaller goals? Here are a few resolutions that the Wild should set as 2024 starts.

Kirill Kaprizov

Resolution: Keep smiling as much as he can.

While Kaprizov was struggling with scoring goals, he was noticeably more dour. Now that he is putting up points again, his smile is back and bigger than ever.

Joel Eriksson Ek

Resolution: Lose less teeth

Poor Ekkie can’t stop being the most hated net-front presence in the league. He takes more sticks and gloves to the face than anyone else. At least his teammates are around to help him out. (Like when Kaprizov helped pick up the shards of Ek’s broken teeth from the ice.)

Marcus Johansson

Resolution: Keep the brainlink with Kaprizov going.

While Jojo and Kaprizov don’t skate on the same line, they have shown an amazing brain link. Remember that overtime play that fell so smoothly into place? It’s good to keep in his back pocket for the next overtime.

Brandon Duhaime

Resolution: Study up on Fleury’s past pranks.

Duhaime has embarked on a prank war with the league’s most notorious prankster. Fleury seems to know no bounds when it comes to pulling a prank, and Duhaime is already in too deep to simply step away now. He needs to study up and watch his back.

Ryan Hartman

Resolution: Stop taking stupid penalties…unless they’re worth it. 

Hartman is a known “repeat offender” when it comes to fines and suspensions. He needs to focus on not taking those penalties. The only exception is anything along the lines of the fine for flipping the bird at Evander Kane on national television. That can be forgiven.

Marcus Foligno

Resolution: Finally put together that scrapbook that he’s been meaning to make.

Good old Mama Moose seems like the preferred player to pick up a new artsy hobby. 

Jake Middleton

Resolution: Pick up more acting work.

Middleton is a great character, and that shines through every time he’s in a social media video for the Wild. He’s the team’s Duke Cannon spokesperson and even narrated the Christmas video last season. Between his outstanding personality, his willingness to have a little fun, and his incredible giggle, Middleton could be a smash-hit star.

Jared Spurgeon

Resolution: Grow a better mustache than his son.

Perpetually youthful Spurgeon has a son old enough to grow his own mustache. If Spurgey doesn’t look out, he may end up looking even younger than his child!

Brock Faber

Resolution: Work on his power-play role.

Faber is a hockey robot who can do just about anything that the team asks him to do. The only thing he needs to improve on is how he quarterbacks the power play. Seeing as he’s already good at it, it just goes to show how adept he is at hockey as a whole.

Marc-Andre Fleury

Resolution: Implement a “swear jar” for media except they have to pay in whenever they talk about retirement or lasts. 

Fleury is a great guy, and he’s handling whatever this season is gracefully as he comes closer to two amazing milestones in his career. But I’m sure he’s tired of all of the “last time he’ll play in Montreal” and “last game in Philadelphia.” Thus, as the nicest guy in the league, he can implement the jar system. Anyone who asks about it must put in a dollar. At the end of the season, Fleury will donate it to a charity of his choice. A win-win for everyone.

Filip Gustavsson

Resolution: Receive votes for the Vezina Trophy

Gustavsson had a rough start to the season as did the entire rest of the team. But just like last year, he’s back to putting up Vezina-level stats. He deserves a few votes as long as he keeps up the good work.

The Wild as a Team

Resolution: Make it past the first round of playoffs.

Self-explanatory.