Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator 2000: Saving the World

After a couple of weeks of processing the information ourselves, the crew here at Hockey Wilderness decided to call Mr. Bennett back in to help us out. This confounded machine just does not like us, we figured. Turns out there was more to it than than. In a letter Bennett left on the machine (he would not let us in the room, dang recluse), this is what we learned:

The amount of complicated subroutines, algorithms, and other math words that have to be accounted for inside the programming of this thing has got to be astronomical. Amazing piece of technological engineering, but what a  touchy little snot. The machine, not Bennett. Although, on second thought...

Anyone caught spreading these rumors will be shot. Of course, since this is a new, more friendly America, we simply mean shot with a camera. You know? Like the head shots the NHL thinks players are worried about. 

Make the jump. Learn something. Laugh a little. It'll be fun.

We received another field report from Special Agent Double Zero. How the man gets this information out is beyond me. The danger involved here is amazing. People with guns filled with tie dye ink, ready to ruin a nice shirt, are around every corner. Thank you Agent00. Your hard work (Sorry Tom) is always appreciated. The field report:

This could have been the back breaker for the HWRG2000. It literally took days for the poor thing just to ask for help. O'l Trusty actually sobbed while begging for Bennett. It was sad, and yet... touching. After the reunion, we got this:

I am liking the quatrains. That was not discussed at the sales meeting. A secondary source of revenue, perhaps? Oh, and clearly, the freeze dried brains indicates a trade with the Canucks. Moving on.

We receive tips all the time. The way we pass this imformation is a matter of national security, so we cannot share all of the details. However, we can tell you this. Not all comments are "just" comments. You never know when one of our special agents are trying to get us some tid bit that they feel is important, but cannot be trusted to the back channel delivery drivers.

You think you have cracked the code? You're wrong. However, it brings us to this smuggled piece of info:

You also never know just how important that small piece of info is going to be. I could be the difference between nuclear annihilation, and peace on Earth for fifty years. Scary, right? Wrong. All it means is that we might miss a trade rumor. Get your head on straight people. 

RUMOR: Hockey players are encouraged to help build the game. The simple flipping of a puck into the stands can make a fan for life. But just how genuine was Mr. Kobasew's manuever? Upon review, the HWRG2000 can state, with 97.4% certainty, that the young boy flipped the puck was none other than Canada's Justin Bieber. Knowing full well that he looks very similar to a head-shorn Brad Pitt, Kobasew's choice of fan was no coincidence. Chuck, known for his speed, physical play, and "Pitt-eyness," is planting a seed to get closer to the coast, so, if nothing else, he can be a stunt/body double for Brad Pitt in he and Bieber's upcoming action-thriller "Dissonance and Trainwrecks." Chuck Kobasew has requested a trade to the Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim. The HWRG2000 cannot extrapolate who Kobasew may be moved for, but additional information fed into Ol' Trusty regarding Mikko Koivu's missing his family, may be suggesting something.

Another one of our agents was traveling in East Timor, collecting data for the NSA, when they came across a useful bit of information for us. They blew their NSA cover story in order to access a game re-cap and pass on this information. This will likely result in them being burned by the NSA, and being hunted ala Bourne Identity. This stuff is real, people. Real.

No it isn't. You fell for that again? Silly people. Fake rumor post. Got it? OK, good. Anyway, so we fed the information in, and that one simple sentence had some huge ramifications on this team.

Speaking of passing the puck... Recently we found an article about Pierre-Marc Bouchard published on an LA Clippers website. We wondered... is this further proof that Cam Barker is Kobe Bryant? We added our own information into the mix, which probably wasn't a good idea. I thought I saw something that only field agents were allowed to have input, but we tried it anyway.

Look at those two pictures. Have you ever seen more conclusive evidence in your life? 

This is what we do here people. We uncover the truth, and we save lives while we do it. Without Hockey Wilderness, Mr. Bennett, and the HWRG2000, the world would likely fall into the hands of Soviet Communist Nazi Terrorists, making for a great Bond film, but ruining the Federal budget for forty years or so. Instead, we have worked hard (Sorry Tom) to ensure the world avoids nuclear winter for another day.

This time, I'm serious. Mr. Bennett saved the world with this last rumor. Thank you to him, and his hard work (Sorry, again, Tom) on this post.