Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator 2000: Free Agency Edition

We thought it best to keep Ol' Trusty locked away for a bit, let 'er cool down, work out some of the bugs. All of those Forsberg errors, the blue screens of Dater, the flat out struggles to make the thing work at all just frustrated Nathan to no end. With the amount of money he sunk into this thing, who can blame him?

However, after some intense negotiations with MBennett about the customer service agreement, we have the HWRG2000 operational and we are going to plug in some information about free agency and see what exactly the "improvements" Mr. Bennett supposedly made are.

If you are willing to help us test this thing out, make the jump for some free agency rumor mongering.

The first intelligence report we received on free agency was from a "KHitch" in Ohio. We thought it might be Ken Hitchcock, but figured it couldn't possibly be. I mean, he was fired, and who would stay in Ohio by choice? The information wasn't much, but this is what we received:

Interesting. I think I just saw Nathan pass out in the corner. I know how much he hates Rick Nash, so it os probably just over load. Moving on. 

In a rather creepy report we received from "Madame X," we learn some interesting sources Chuck Fletcher is using to lead Minnesota to their first Stanley Cup in... well, ever. While we may be disturbed by the tactic, it is good to see the GM leaving no stone un-turned. The report we received was actually an unpaid bill from "Madame X's Soothing Seance." Here is what it said:

I am not sure why or how you return a seance, but I'm not much of a spiritualist, so whatever. I simply slid the unpaid bill in the side slot marked "Cam Baker Contract Storage." It may have made a shredding sound, but I figured that was normal. The return was nothing short of remarkable:

Huh. Ted Williams? Interesting choice ol' trusty. Also, who in the world is Ghost Pohlad referring to by "that Barking kid?" We thought about feeding it back in, but Mr. Bennett assures us that would be a terrible idea. Something about "Jagr gears" breaking.

Recently, on a trip though Switzerland, Agent Double O zero thought he saw something of value. He sent in a secure text message that read simply:

Who knew a machine could be so very, very wrong? There is nothing to fear with the end of day predictions. I mean, it;s not like the HWRG2000 has been right with every single prediction it has ever made, right? It has? Uh oh. Oh well, I guess we have until 2012. One more Cup run boys!

The staff here at Hockey Wilderness had a couple of tidbits from around the web we wanted to get a feeling for from ol' trusty. First up, the belief that Philadelphia is going to attempt to put in an offer sheet on RFA Steven Stamkos. The report is this:

Nice. Stammer to the Wild, huh. Good choice, HWRG2000. Good to have that from a completely unbiased source, too. High on life with Stammer and Nash coming to the Wild, we were brought back to reality when it hit us that Brent Burns was not around to enjoy this new found happiness. 

However, at the Mike Yeo press conference, Chuck Fletcher and Brent Burns had a conversation, but no one could hear what they said. We input the information we had and we got this back:

See? Everyone just needs to calm down. It is under control. Happens all the time, players are traded away, and then sign with their old team as soon as free agency hits. Just relax. 

Finally, the trade rumor that the Canucks has traded for Zach Parise. We input the trade:

The result was spectacular.

At this point the machine shot out a shower of sparks, gears went flying, and we all learned just what it means for a robot to have a nervous breakdown. According to Mr. Bennett, the code at the end means "Morons would believe this." So, there's that. 

Enjoy free agency tomorrow, folks. Just be sure to check Twitter feeds for truth before jumping off a bridge, and don't get your hopes to high. No one wants to clean that mess up. Besides, we'll be busy trying to figure out how the Jagr gear connects to the Modano wiring harness, and if we can rebuild that pesky Lecavalier chip.

See you tomorrow.