Connor McDavid Loses 2015 NHL Draft Lottery

After months of team executives maneuvering to optimize the odds of having the world's most magical ping-pong ball, we finally know the results of the 2015 Draft Lottery: Connor McDavid loses.

McDavid wasn't deterred by this disastrous result. "It'll be an honor to be an Oiler. To put on that Copper and Blue sweater, knowing that you're the next in a proud, storied history of first-overall Oiler picks that didn't do jack shit in Edmonton, it'll be a feeling like no other."

"No question, we're taking him," Craig MacTavish said. "When you get yet another chance at frustrating your fanbase by squandering a superstar's career, how can you pass that up? A guy like McDavid, you could really build a flawed, perennially-underachieving team around him for the next 10 years."

"This is the moment that every coach dreams of," interim coach Todd Nelson said. "We're incredibly excited to get this rare opportunity to fuck up a generational player. And I think this is the team to do it, I really believe that our culture of losing is strong enough to overcome every good quality that Connor will bring to the team."

McDavid is equally excited to have an unhealthy relationship with his new coach. "I've been aware of Todd for some time now, and I really have the utmost respect for his failure to develop young Oilers. There's no one I'd rather have leading me as we struggle to live up to unrealistic expectations in my first few years in the NHL. I can't wait to be blamed for his firing."

While some critics will point out that this does nothing to fix the Oilers' defensive woes, MacTavish has few worries. "Are there teams better than we are defensively? Yes. Are there AHL teams better than we are defensively? Possibly. A lot of teams have defense, but let me ask you something: How many of these teams are on the precipice of pissing away the promising careers of four number one overall picks? I bet it's not many."

Despite the odds being stacked against him, McDavid knows that he has a Herculean task ahead of him.

"People will make jokes, but you can't listen to them. You just gotta focus on what your goal is. And right now, my only goal is to try, and fail, year after year, to single-handedly drag this shitty, unbalanced team to a playoff spot. At least until I'm 27, or have accrued 7 seasons of service time."