2011 NHL Trade Deadline: Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator 2000

After a long, heavily sedated slumber, the Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator has been brought back online just in time for the 2011 NHL trade deadline. We had few juicy tidbits to work with, so we did what any respectable hockey rumor generation site would do. 

We made them up.

You should all be absorbing as much of these as possible. Someday soon we may switch this all to a pay service and become filthy rich off of you suckers, our fine customers. We sincerely hope you enjoy Ol' Trusty's work this time around. It had plenty to work with after we completely made up entered all of the completely reliable information.

Make the jump, will you?

We start with the blockbuster of blockbusters. Recently, we received a tip from an I. Kovalchuk that read:

We fed this into the HWRG2000, and after about 20 minutes of processing, we got another blue screen of Dater. The report that printed out simply read:

Not knowing what to make of that, we called in Mr. Bennett who promptly called us all idiots and made us cry repeatedly. He did, however, fix the machine. We finally got what we were looking for:

After this crushing blow to our Provincialism, we needed a drink. We slammed back a couple dozen GrainBelt Premiums and had an idea. We wrote it down, and fed it into the machine:

 Eklund is wrong 99.999999% of the time, and the only correct rumors are the ones he "reports" after they are reported by TSN.

Ouch. We went home, defeated by the HWRG2000, knowing we had fallen prey to the wily move of the veteran Mr. Bennett. We bow to the snarkiness of the programming, sir. We are truly grateful to be in your company.

Getting back to the business at hand, we turned our attention someone the Wild may be willing to trade away for assets. Knowing that Chuck Fletcher has said he is not a seller, we felt the best bet was to leave a message out in public asking for public comment. We were rewarded with a coded message signed by "TRich" that simply read:

Again, after having been called idiots by the HWRG2000, we felt little self confidence. We decided it best to not make our own guess, and let the hardware do what we paid for. 

Huge news. Remember, you heard it here first.

Figuring there was no way we could find a bigger deal than this, we plodded on. We were completely out of information though. What to do, what to do? We found ourselves outside the Target Center very late on a Friday night. A man in a trench coat, who looked kind of like Phil Jackson, asked us for a dollar. Not wanting to die so close to Block E, we obliged. He handed us one of those religious comic books.

Just before I threw it out, I noticed that it had a note written on it. 

So excited to get this info to the HWRG2000, we raced back to the office, only to find that Nathan passed out in the corner. What's that about? Anyway, we put in the info.

After the laughter subsided at the image of Shaq on skates, and wondering where you find a pair of size 752 ice skates (I bet MLX has some, right?), we got back to serious business. We called the Kremlin to see if there were any Russian superstars the Wild might be able to add to the roster. They made a promise to call s back with some names as soon as they could.

Having held the KHL All Star Game just recently, they sent us a message in Russian:

We were ecstatic. The next Ovechkin, the next Malkin was on his way to the Wild. An undiscovered talent that even the NSA did not know about. We were... stoked. Then we got the result:

I guess we'll have to wait until the next time we fire up Ol' Trusty. 

Until next time, Wilderness.